The idiot’s guide to forgetting new year resolutions

BY NICHOLAS OPOLOT

Life is a two-way street, as some put it. It’s quite interesting that some desire to achieve success whereas others are just not into the idea of making something great out of themselves.

Let’s just say they are okay with petty mediocrity and don’t need to bother with any efforts whatsoever.

They often say one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Coincidentally, it’s the January blues where the nation is infested with acute brokenness from the festivities.

The temptation is too high to give up since money doesn’t seem to pop out of nowhere. I heard some     folks are now selling stuff that doesn’t even make sense literally and disturbing teller machines for account balances that are nil.

This makes my job very simple since I have your total attention, to help the nothing doers and oxygen wasters slumber until it’s new year again, this time round 2018.

Oh! just in time to kill some more time and watch AFCON until the wee hours of the night. For starters, most especially my dear and overzealous campusers, they will be walking head high with much swagg and fake confidence since it’s January.

Get a new girlfriend. For those that have, simply move in and cohabit in your muzigo/apartment. I mean it’s a new year and definitely a new girlfriend fits those expectations of a fresh start.

Make sure you get a high maintenance chic that wears fake Brazilian hair, a lot of lipstick, eats burgers, parties hard and goes to the salon weekly and probably changes phones like clothes.

If she calls for money, tell her ‘‘Babe, don’t worry, everything is under control. I got this,’’ and put some cool bravado in it so you at least won’t complain that the money went to waste.

If she refuses to call for money, call her and complain why she refused to help you spend your tuition.

Spoil her with lavish gifts and getaways to plush resorts so that famine strikes you in full force just in time for World Food Programme’s intervention.

After all, live fast and die young.

Spend, spend and spend! Luckily for some people, the house mice helped them to keep some few coins over for the rainy January. Is this true by the way?

Anyway buy anything that tempts your ego or perhaps something that bullies your existence. For those Ivy League campusers who used to drink cheap beer in Casablanca, please switch to Red Label, Captain Morgan, and Ciroc et al.

It will give you a passport to hangout with cute girls. Have some class and stop embarrassing our male species with slippers and buy some Timber-land boots. It won’t hurt.

Stop eating food in the dining hall and elevate to the crème de la crème cuisine at Touch of Class.

Eat pizza for lunch and drink the high-end smoothies. Just so you know, we now have a KFC eatery in Banda. Don’t be scared to spend on her the bucket of chicken. It’s very cheap.

Buy cool stuff for hostel. Hunger can wait. You need a 32-inch HD flat screen. We’re special, aren’t we?

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